I had a longing today. One I haven’t had in a long time. A longing for a “Call To Adventure” – a quest for fame, for purpose. To go, to do, start over. To start over on an adventure.

It has been a while since I had it. It has also been a while since I’ve sung in the car. They might be related. They might not.

I started to think about the places I’d go. Washington or Oregon. Where there’s tall evergreens and cold oceans. I thought about the people I’d meet, the new friends that would enrich my life, the co-questers for my adventure…

I realized I wanted to run. To run from my life to something hopeful. It wasn’t something I haven’t had wanted to do in quite a while. I wanted to know why.

I felt small. Like a poofy dog soaked wet. My shape had changed and I no longer the clean, brave, cuddly person I look like on the outside, I look like a soaked rat. Not anything against rats. It felt like my mask with the happy-go-lucky face fell from my tired hands.

I probably just need some sleep.

I often use the verbiage “high” and “low” to express emotional states. I sometimes worry that I’ll say something like “I’m not high today” to a coworker and that would make them wonder. Maybe the drug “high” has the same etymology as the way I use high when talking about myself. It’s hard to describe, since it’s not limited to physical energy levels. You have a high energy level in a low mood, and a high energy in a high mood. It’s more like how I want to spend the energy, in an extroverted or introverted way. That might actually be it – giving or keeping energy.

The high me and the low me look different, feel different (again, not drugs). Bravado vs humbleness. Kinda like a lightbulb being on or off. Or a balloon inflate vs uninflated. Maybe not the balloon one. A deflated balloon is usually a bad thing. The uninflated is important – I’m still the same balloon, just more concentrated, taking up a smaller space.

There isn’t an inherent good or bad attached to being high or low (still not drugs), it’s just how I’m going to operate that day. The good and the bad comes from the mismatch. Some activities just lend themselves to more bravado and some to more passive, patient state. Being high in a low usually pisses me off and I hurt people’s feelings. Being low in a high usually makes me sad and tired.

If I get enough sleep, I can usually negate the negatives of the sad and tired.

I probably just need some sleep.

Moving to Washington or Oregon isn’t going to help me. It’s going to make things worse. I have a life here that people would love to have. There were amazing sights on the drive home. I have great coworkers. I have a nice place to sleep.

I’m thankful for what I have. I haven’t expressed gratitude enough lately and I need to work on that. I can’t let what I’m lacking to sabotage my emotional well-being.

The call is still there, diminished in the back of my mind and back of my heart.

But for now, I probably just need some sleep.


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