Monthly Archives: November 2012

Bowel Hard 2: Bowel Harder

Overdramatic warning is still overdramatic, and still in effect (I talk about poop). 

So I realized that my last post kinda left my readers with no follow up nor a status update. And if you are some amazing reader who isn’t a friend on Facebook and has the magical power to not be tracked by website analytics, you might actually have thought I died.

I am not dead and I’m all better.

There is some clarification I want to make. My roommate’s girlfriend came up to me yesterday and said the words that always make me feel odd: “I read your blog today”. I mean, I totally write blog posts to be read. And I totally want to hear that you read my blog. But some how, in the mix between the Interwebs and IRL kinda feels off.

Anyway, my roommate’s girlfriend said something like “you pooped. Good job.” Her feedback (truly helpful and much wanted) made me aware that I didn’t paint a good enough word picture with the phrase “evacuate everything in my system”. Maybe if I added a few more modifier words like “violently.” “Explosively.” Maybe something like “liquified” to describe which one of the three physical states of matter my fecal matter was in. It wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t fun. I’m sorry if I misled you with the nonchalance of returning to lunch after doing so (I washed my hands really, really well).

Another point that I want to bring up that I’m afraid might have been missed what that I actually saw chewed up lettuce in the toilet bowl. I really needed to chew better.

So, Andrew, does this happen much to you? No. But why it happens is pretty unusual, at least in my experiences. This normally isn’t something that is water cooler sort of talk in the workplace. I’m just doing my part of spreading the word, cause you know, knowledge is power and stuff.


Yes, I get allergies so bad that I have diarrhea. At least that’s what I think. Cause it’s happened before. Or it’s what I think happened before. It get’s a little fuzzy but the logic’s there.

So allergies, they make your nose run. But have you ever had the snot run down the back of your throat instead of out of your nose? It’s called post-nasal drip and it’s a real thing. Due to post-nasal drip, I’ve had sore throats. I’ve had upset stomachs. It’s quite possible (and probable) that it’ll just keep spreading its reign of terror further as it marches down my intestinal track on some mucus warpath (I’m not overly dramatic at all…).

I also learned that if your intestines feel that there’s something really bad in them, they just say “Screw this, we’ll start over” and simply flush everything down the toilet. Hehe. Toilet. So being irritated by the mucus and such, provoked by my poor eating choices in the morning, and put over the edge by filling my stomach with cold food, my intestines did just that.

But now I’m all better.

The lunchtime (and continuing) adventures of me and my digestive track.

This post probably won’t get graphic, but will discuss intimate details of the workings (or the current unworkings) of my body.

You’ve been warned. Also, I apologize if the warning is far harsher than is necessary. I don’t want any of  you gore hounds all excited to only be left wanting and disappointed.

It all started this morning. I woke up rather late and only had two rashers of bacon for breakfast. Not the best, but I was planning on going and getting some eggs from the taco place a block from the office. As you can tell by my use of the word “planning”, that I didn’t quite make it. Work was productive and distracting and I didn’t realized I was hungry till about 10:50. Which is a horrible time to realize you’re hungry. I ended up just roughing it out till lunch, and did pretty well. I wasn’t super grouchy, but still a little. I was quite excited about eating my food.

So I made my salad and started eating it. My stomach was all “Wait! What is this stuff? I’ll trust you, but I’m not super happy about it”. I know that eating a lot of cold salad can sometimes make your stomach a little upset as it gets stretched out and what ever stomachs do when they get a bunch of salad put in them, so I pressed through. About half way through the salad, my lower digestive track was all “Um… I know you’re busy and all, but I kinda need to go.” I figured I could always wash my hands and return to my lunch. So I sat down and managed to evacuate everything in my system. I thought it was a little weird, but washed my hands really well and went back to lunch.

After I finished off the rest of my salad, my stomach was still upset and things were all wambling down there so I decided that I should just take like an extra hour to let things settle. So I sent a text to my boss letting him know. Well, letting him know my stomach was upset and I was taking an extra long lunch to hopefully settle it down, nothing more than that.

30 minutes later, my stomach was still wambling (someone learned a new word today) and I had to go again. I proceeded to empty my previously thought emptied bowels. I did this 2 more times, with the last one having bits of my lunch from today in it. Which is surprising, and I realize that I need to chew a little better.

So if you were on Facebook today and happened to see that I was on, it’s not that I’m a slacker and checking at work or anything, it was that I was laying in bed trying to get warm (the house was like 50 at lunch).

Now it’s time for some comfort food and more “Never being more than 30 feet from the toilet”.