Once upon a time, there was a man. This man’s name was Andrew. Andrew loved his gummy candies. Gummy worms, gummy bears, gummy sharks, they all were loved and met their demise under Andrew’s powerful molars. Gummy peach rings – smash, smash, smash, down his gullet. Gummy dots – chew, chew, chew, swallowed with delight. Wherever Andrew could find gummy candies, Andrew would joyfully purchase and delightfully devour them.
One fateful day, Andrew had the brilliant idea of making his own gummy candies. He found a recipe online and procured all the necessary ingredients. He followed the directions to the letter and let them set in the freezer. He pried on out and squeezed it between his fingers. Hmm, he thought, feels about right. He popped it in his mouth and started to chew. HORRIBLE! It tasted nasty and was far too chewy! He spit it out and went and cried himself to sleep.
The next day, he woke up and cleaned up the mess he made. He noticed there was a recipe on the back of the gelatin box. Hmm, he thought, those pretty looking pictures look about right. So after another trip to the store, he followed the new recipe to the letter! He let it sit in the fridge to solidify. After he was finished waiting, he pulled them out. They were too soft! Horrible, he thought, but hey, free jello! And he proceeded to eat it all, slightly disappointed.
The next day, he found yet another recipe. Continuing on his quest for delicious homemade gummy candies, he went to the store, got all the stuff and followed the recipe to the letter. Still not right! They were even less enjoyable than the jello.
Then the next day came, and with it, a last ray of hope! A new recipe to follow. So right away, our young, dashing, intrepid, handsome, muscular, and very much single (ladies…) hero Andrew followed this last recipe to the letter. It looked like candy, it smelled like candy, it might be candy! He waited impatiently as the candy hardened. Ding! The candy was done.
Slowly, Andrew pulled it off the foil. It was springy, it smelled fruity, it seems to be perfect! He cuts himself off a piece of the block… slowly puts it in his mouth… starts to chew… continues to chew… realizes that he’s still chewing… and realizes that it doesn’t taste good at all!
NOOOOOOOOO! Andrew yells, rending his shirt in a fit of rage and anguish. His head and hands drop, defeated. He quietly cries and crawls into bed.