This year has been a hard year. It has been a lonely year. It’s a year that I am glad it’s coming to an end.

I left my family. I left my friends. I left the mountains and the trees that have raised me. I came to a foreign land and proceeded to learn a lot about myself and God.

I learned about who I was, what I need, what I can do without, and who God is.

I’ve learned a lot – and most of it was the hard way. Sure, knowing a theological truth is easy. Living that same theological truth is harder. And when you’re in the place where it’s just you, God, the theological truth, and the contrasting circumstances in the world – it gets hard.

How much can you do trust God? How can you take a simple decision, and a simple truth and apply it in a situation that is screaming that what God said isn’t true. It would be an understatement to say that it is easy.

But, I can tell there is a shift in the atmosphere. I can feel it. This next year will be different. And I’m looking forward to it.

I don’t understand this “waiting” thing. Is waiting doing nothing? How do I wait? What does waiting look like? Can someone show me? It is something that I need to be learning. That I am learning. Well, learning might actually be an overstatement. I’m attempting to understand the mere existence of the action of “waiting”.

And I’m finding out that I don’t know how.

I want to do something, anything, anything that is an action. I want to work towards what God has told me, what He has promised me. But, He has said not yet. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t accept that waiting, is well, doing nothing. I have to do something.

I’ll pray.

There are moments that have been burnt into my memory with such vividness and with such violence of beauty that when recalled I can swear I’m there. This one in particular came back to me today.

Her name was Ashely and she was a coworker. She was pretty and I had a slight crush on her, but I wouldn’t describe her as beautiful. It was late afternoon and the sun was low and behind the lodge of the camp we were working. It was a gold camp and she was wearing her uniform, which consisted of a long pioneer dress and a bonnet and I was in my trousers, shirt and straw hat.

We had some free time and were walking from one end of the grass to the other, just talking. I quipped something – something mean and slightly insulting teasingly. And then it happened.

Time actually slowed – she spun around as to jokingly hit me for what I said, but I couldn’t care because everything else was coming together. The field was covered with golden light from the retiring sun, casting a glow and the essence of summer. Ashely was backlit and the way that the light shown through her spinning dress and highlighted it’s edges. Her escaped hair captured the light and seemed to glow, illuminating and framing her face.

It was a perfect moment and I felt like I was in a movie. It was the lighting and The shot that every photography has dreamed of. And I was living it in slow motion.

But then her fist made contact with my arm and time returned to normal, as she stormed off upset at what I said.

… in Texas. Or so it seems. I don’t know if it’s just me. It could just be God. It could be Texas.

I’m one of those people who likes for things just to be done. If something needs to be done, do it. Why wait? I have enough of a Type A personality that if God says to do something, then I do it. If you get it done now, you don’t have to worry about it later.

Maybe God acts different out here. Maybe this is a time in my life that he’s working on a different part of me with different tools. Maybe He’s giving me more of a head-up then before. “Hey, do this. But not now. I’ll tell you when.”

And it could be Texas too. There is much more of a culture of waiting on God here, or at least in the circles I run in. The church I’ve been attending has been building a church for 10 years. To me that seems like a really long time to building a church. But they have been happily doing it (Though now since they are so close to getting in the excitement has been building and everyone “can’t wait” to get in there. Think Christmas Eve style impatience).

And today at church, the speaker (this guy) spoke and it was just what I’ve been hearing and learning. (Another aside: It used to be that Church would bring something to my attention, then I’d have to deal with it during the week, but since being here, I would be dealing with something, God will tell me about it and how to fix it, then Church would just confirm it. It’s been different. Pretty cool but different). What I’ve been learning lately is that long term vision will defeat stress and anxiety.

Think of it this way. If you know that you are going to do something, and you know that God said that you are going to do something, why should it stress you out? Didn’t God say it? It’s like a problem gets you so focused on what’s not happening, or this thing that is happening, that your start thinking in your own strength. I need to do X to make Y happen, I need Z to happen before I can do W. I can’t see a way how to do X or make Z happen. What ends up happening is that I find my thoughts and mind just forgets about God. Everything ends up being about my strength and my might. And God tends not to give tasks or vision that you can do on your own.

Here’s a quote from a wise man:
“It’s the process. If you’re in a hurry you’ll not celebrate the process. The end suddenly is not what you need, it’s the process. if you don’t value process, you won’t experience the end suddenly.”

And that’s what I’m thinking about and living.