Sunday October 8, 2006

All weekend everyone has been telling me that I am such a gentleman, and my boss’s new thing is saying that she has to find me a wife. A wife would be awesome. Katie said she would marry me, but I am not sure that she would. I am not sure that I would want her to. I just don’t know. Rikki loves me, I am afraid (and I hope). But I really don’t want to wait for her. I want someone to hold now. Someone who I can be a gentleman to, and someone who thinks of me. Someone who wouldn’t do that to me.

I need Jesus music, and some sleep

I don’t want Jesus music, I want to feel bad…

I just don’t know. I don’t know what she sees in him, I don’t know what I am going to do when this gets worse. I don’t know why I even let myself feel this way.

Alexa, I don’t know about her. She is pretty, but she has no self-esteem. She needs to be validated. Maybe I do to. Everyone is too young, I need to start hanging out with people my own age.

Work is crazy. It is getting better, but I just feel comfortable leaving. I am not even packed for China. I don’t feel like part of a team. Things just are weird. I wonder how everything is going to play out. I hate Walmart.
Tonight I just wanted to lay on my car and stare at the moon. I wanted to be with my friends, I just didn’t want the drama that they all bring.

Stefani is one cool girl. Stick one cool girl in a group of four guys and things are bound to change. Everyone is looking to get her attention. Andrew has taken an older brother/good friend role, looking out for her, showing her cool things, thinking of her first. I am jealous. I shouldn’t be, but I am.
Josh, I think, is in love with her. I don’t know what to think about that. Am I jealous? Maybe she is pretty and fun to be around. That changes the way Josh acts when I hang out with her and he is working.
And me? I don’t know. I said no to that a long time ago. It just wouldn’t work out. But she is a physical person, she likes to touch a lot. I am a physical person too. But I know what physical touch can do to me, and while my heart yearns for someone to hug and to sit close to, I know why my heart yearns for that.

I am not happy. I don’t want to go to church, I want to sleep in. Oh, did I mention my car?

My car needs a new headgasket. Well, all of them. I took it to a mechanic to tell me that. I hated not having my car, I hate it not running, I hate it having problems. It is just another thing to worry about.

This week has been hard with my fasting. I have had so many times been around food that has had meat in it, or sugar. So many times I have thought, I have gotten far enough, just end it now. I am happy with how sneaky I have been though, how many times I have turned down sugar, and eaten a meal without eating meat. Two more days.

Julie brought this saying, a theme, for the China team “Pure gold fears now fire.” or something like that. That day Pastor Dennis talked about refining. And I am really wondering what is going one right now. Is this the fire? Or is this the thing that makes appearent my need for the fire? Such an odd team. I really don’t know where I am going to fit in, they act like pearls and it brings out my ruby… I have been fashioned lately to be a self-sustaining unit, that can function as a part of a team, covering any job that needs to be done, and they seem to want to have me to be folded in. Much to mushy and talking about feelings and always being together. I really don’t know. I have offended them once, not going to a meeting and not talking to any of them for a few days after that.

There is just too much going on. I just want to run far away. Alone.

And I need Jesus music.

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