But not photography lecture. Too boring tonight. Even though we are going to be reviewing the material that is on the mid-term, I am not going. We have been doing that for the last month. Over and over and over again.

And I am too tired. It has been a long weekend filled with staying up late and getting up early, and a whole lot of nothing in between. I almost died on saturday on a micro-epic adventure (fit that in to your theology…). If I had died, my last thoughts would have been, “Boy, I feel like an Indian… Moving all quiet through the woods. CRAP!” But I didn’t so my thoughts just kept going.

Sunday I got up way to early for going to bed so late.

One thing this weekend wasn’t full of was internet. I was unplugged from the web the whole weekend. How strange is that?

God confuses me. Why isn’t it that the more you read the bible, the more you pray, the more you do works, the holier you are? Why isn’t there a simple 48 step plan for getting in to heaven and living your life down on earth perfectly?

I feel like I am in over my head –  on purpose.

See more here.

Cause this can’t go on much longer.

Take away my firm belief and graft my soul upon Your grief.

It is worse now. The swings are too much, but do they exist at all? Your love warms me like a summer day, but it makes the cold of winter colder. I feel like a rock in the early spring, water seeping into my cracks and becoming ice. Pieces of me falling off to be ground up into dirt

Weddings, boats, and alibis, all drift away, and a mother cries…

I feel like I am spinning faster and faster. The longing vs the contentment. I feel like I will go critical and just stop trying and watch and see where my body parts lie.

If the world was how it should be, maybe I could get some sleep

You are everywhere I look, I am almost haunted. You confound me and blow my mind only to have me pick up the pieces in wonder. You have made something so beautiful out of something so painful. My head still hurts – my car, my job, my friends. What is going to happen with that? Should I leave the pieces on the ground? Your plan for all this? Was that deer in my path for a reason, or something unplanned? Unplanned? Can you do that? Can I do that? Where and when is this all going to make sense, when and where am I going to stop caring and let you be who you are?

Why are we so afraid? We make it worse when we don’t bleed

How does this work? Where am I going? How can I have two dreams? Two goals? Can I be in two places at once? Can my inheritance be both 1200 and the cries of thirsty children? Am I going to explode? Will there be a vacuum left? What are you doing with my head and my heart?

Oh my God.

Am I the only one who see this? That they are all the same? The explosion and the implosion are still you. You give me my breath. You take it away. I know you hold my life in your hand and have piece, but only with my life? Why am I not content in other places, why am I so badly bent?

Oh my God, look around this place
Your fingers reach around the bone
You set the break and set the tone

If I stop picking up the pieces, will you?

It’s worth it.

Is it worth it?

Do it, it will be awesome!

But what if it isn’t? What happens if it isn’t?

It will be, you know this.

How? How do I know this? What makes you so sure?

Because I am scared too! And if I am scared then it must be worth it.

What?

If I am not scared then it isn’t worth it. Where is the story of doing something that doesn’t scare you?

Story? Life isn’t a story.

What have you been learning?

Everything works to my advantage.

So?

So what?

That means that you can’t fail, and there is nothing that scares you.

So then if you aren’t afraid anymore…

…Then you can go further and go bigger!

But wait… Where are you? You are making no sense! Then why are you scared?

I am not scared of what happens if I fail, but what happens when I succeed.

And think “isn’t it so nice that I have a laptop?”

Today is good. I like it when days go good. I got a lot done. I still have a whole lot more to do.

Well the professor is here, it is time to get developing.